Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Who wants to buy a husband? - Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!


My Grandmother (Granny) used to sing that to us when we were little, except she would insert "piggy" where I put "husband"...


Let me start at the begining....


We bought a new mattress two years ago. One of those plush, soft pillow top numbers....If any of you have bought a mattress in the past couple of years you know that you can't flip them & rotate them like you used to, to even them out. So our lovely new mattress ended up with mountains and valleys after only a few months . It didn't really bother me all that much, that mattress was meant for you to sink into and I felt it was doing it's job nicely! Well, my husband complained daily about his back - nag, nag, nag, complain, complain, complain!


Now supposedly our mattress came with a 10 year warranty. HA! Good luck trying to get them to own up to that part of the deal. You have to call an 800# and get out your ruler and measure your dips. They won't even talk to you if it isn't at least an inch. Doesn't sound so hard right..?
Try waiting on hold for 30 minutes while no one answers your call. So we hung up and life went on....


Finally after two years of hearing my husband's morning ritual of "oh, my aching back". We again call the 800# and after a long wait on hold, had to get down right angry with their agent, requesting their supervisor, etc. Then we get an appointment for a Mattress Inspector!


The Mattress Inspector came out to see our stripped down bed, while he pushed on it, peeked under it (one of my secret hiding places!) and asked us a few questions, he then pulled out two weighted cones with measurements on them which he placed in the valleys. He then pulled out a string with a weight at either end and draped it across the bed to see the mountains & valleys and get their measurements and takes a few pictures. He makes a report and turns it into the mattress company and they determine if we have a case. (Very nice man, I have to say. Anyone who removes their shoes before entering my home out of consideration for me is A-Ok in my book! But it was a little weird watching a strange man jump up and down on our bed!)


Yippee! We get the call a week later! Go on down to the store for a replacement mattress! My husband goes down to the store the next day - claiming he ain't sleeping on that mattress any longer than he has too, while I stay at home sick....do you see where this is going? I never should have told him about that phone call, I should have waited until I felt better to go jump around on a few mattress with him, but I seriously thought we would just get a replacement of the EXACT SAME KIND. Remember the kind it was? the soft, cushy pillow top number. DISCONTINUED! that gives my husband FREE REIN to pick out our new mattress. He comes home that Saturday THRILLED! - saying our mattress will be delivered on Monday.


Monday comes around, two guys pull up to the house, heft this HUGE mattress up the stairs (which I had to remove pictures, rugs while they struggled going up the stairs - I stood guard over my precious lamps in the foyer - willing to throw my body over them in case the mattress came flying over the railing!) They place the new mattress on the box spring and I go over to check it out. I carefully try to sit my tush on the edge of the bed. I couldn't reach it! hmmm.....okay, I turn around and have to heft myself up on this TABLE and nearly bounce right off of it, that's how HARD it is!


I immediately start in on my husband! What were you thinking?! He & the two delivery men (who probably just took pity on him) claim it would soften up after a couple of weeks.


Last night was our first night on the "piece of plywood". First off, this baby doesn't even move when you go to get up on it, it's so darn high you need a step stool (can't do the flying leap, you just go bouncing right off of it after feeling like you hit a brick wall) then once up there, you feel like you are laying on a hospital table. I could not fall asleep until well after midnight! About every hour, I would wake up in pain because my arms and legs would be numb, couldn't roll over on my tummy because the girls had no "valleys" in the mattress and were being squished! In fact, the bedroom floor would have been more cushiony because at least it has PADDING! I woke up this morning in such a foul mood, waking up the whole household, stomping down the stairs, slamming the kitchen doors & drawers!. My back hunched over, my hips numb, my eyeballs gritty...and down walks the husband....smiling...and ....SINGING!!!!!!!!
When did things change? when did I lose my control? I was ALWAYS the one who chose this or that for the house...WHAT WENT WRONG!?!


But now I am singing my own song..."Who wants to buy a husband? Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!"




22 comments:

Happy To Be said...

Laurie I am laughing so HARD pardon the pun!! that I am crying...you poor thing...and I got a DH I;ll give you for free!! that even better than your for cheap deal.. Girl only you could make a bad night sound so funny..I got one of those memory foam mattress topper and I just love it...as my bed was so hard..but girl it would just make your bed even higher..sleep on the floor...he'll miss you if you know what I mean!! hugs and smiles Gloria

Penny @ Lavender Hill Studio said...

Oh My Goodness! I know exactly where you are coming from. I say there is probably a 3 day or 7 day or 30 day change your mind policy on this rock....Worse comes to worse, there is alway two twins :-)
Penny

Lynne said...

This is just the funniest and most ironic post I've read in days.. well actually forever.. Have to tell you we've been going thru the same thing for the last 2 years.. Yes.. you read that right 2 years. we are on our third mattress. DH's side has valleys in it where they shouldn't be. And he doesn't sleep in but about 4 days out of a month. (he works out of town). So... for the third time we have to go out and pick out a mattress. Now, we have a problem.. he wants one just like he's sleeping on where he's staying. It's a brand new mattress and it hasn't changed one bit. So pray when I go out with all the propanda on this mattress I'm not sleeping on a piece of plywood.. I can sure relate girl...hopes yours softens up some..hugs ~lynne~

salmagundi said...

I would laugh if it wasn't so sad! "If Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy!!" - especially if Momma doesn't get a good night's sleep. Good luck on solving this! Sally

AJ said...

Oh that stinks! Hope you create some dips and valleys soon so your girls can rest comfortably at night;) We have a really high bed. When I was pregnant I had to use a step stool to get in cause it was too uncomfortable to heft my leg up. Thank goodness I'm not planning anymore pregnancies:)

laurie said...

I always feel so silly laughing out loud while I read something on this little screen, but that is what I am doing! You are hysterical! Ya'll obviously need one of those mattresses that each side adjusts for that person! Or separate beds! Loved your story, but I'm not buying a husband who wants a piece of playwood for a mattress! I'm afraid your stuck - with the mattress and the husband! laurie

Heather said...

Oh you poor thing! I have been there done that. We bought a new mattress three years ago- hard as a rock. Then when I was pregnant for Bella I swear the thing collapsed! BIG valleys. Hubby and I couldnt snuggle in the middle now if we tried....you just roll back into the pits. I hate buying mattresses with someone else that has an opinion. Those sleep number beds are looking mighty tempting! Of course twin beds would be much cheaper...........then again......he does sleep well on the couch!! LOL!!!
-Heather:)

Janera said...

My first visit, and you've got me laughing! I've always wondered what would happen if you really tried to get a mattress maker to honor a warranty. Run around, huh?

Seriously, though, it sounds like you guys need one of those mattresses that are "personalized" to each of your individual preferences. Sleep number, maybe?

We have friends who bought one. Pricy, but they say it changed their lives.

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL I'm sorry I'm laughing...but that is such a funny story. And it sounds SO familiar. Maybe it will soften up with time???? if not you're gonna need to get yourself a step stool and a REALLY big pillow!

Glenda said...

Wow, what a story.
Now I know why husbands and wives use to sleep in separate beds. I bought a pillow top to put on my mattress from QVC and it's the best thing I ever did. It was cheaper than the mattress that I didn't need to replace anyway, and you can change it around and wash it etc....

I don't have a hubby to think about if he's comfortable, I guess that's lucky.

Ciao

mishebe said...

Oh my been thru the same thing kinda. First mattress we should of just kept. Got it a a motel sale $50.00. But hubby wanted to upgrade. got a pillowtop. When they came and delivered it. I stupidly signed a consent form , ( when they take matress up stairs , they r not responsible for any damage) well they bent the mattress. So for a couple years my hubby bitched . Then we got another matress, Firm. Well that bent in a couple years too. I thought he was crazy I thought the bottom of our bed needed more support so i wanted him to put just a couple pieces of wood underneath for support. But no, he did not believe me. One day i came home and he put a couple of pieces of wood in between the matreses, and they were to long so he just left them sticking out. It was a lovely sight. Felt really GOOD everytime i crawled into bed and the wood scraped me. Finally i researched and found the Temperpetic matress, bought it, I think it is fabulous. Hubby says it dips too. I keep telling him it needs more support on the bed frame. hE DOES NOT GET IT. tHE MATRESS WAYS WAY TO MUCH SO I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF. aND i TOLD HIM THERE IS NO WAY IN hELL ( SORRY FOR THE SLANG) THAT WE WILL BUY ANOTHER MATRRESS. mISHELLE

Shannon @ Silver Trappings said...

Oh, that is a great post! I'm still laughing! So sorry you have that rock to sleep on, though. We had that same issue, and a few years ago we got a sleep number bed. It's wonderful! His side is so full of air that it is like sleeping on top of a HILL. My side has so little air that it is one big trough. So it does look a little funny when I make the bed! But I get to sleep in comfort. Maybe you should campaign for one of those!

Shannon

Anonymous said...

LOL funny story but I feel for you, but you did learn a valuable lesson NEVER let the hubby pick things out on his own !!! That's rule 101 in the "Marriage Handbook" !!

Now a couple more mornings of banging things around or taking the girls to sleep elsewhere SHOULD get the point across (wink wink)

Good luck,
Kathy :)

Knittings Nice! said...

Hello...have just come across your gorgeous blog via knitting blog links...which in turn led to vintage decor and then found yours. I must say after looking at all the pretty vintage pinks/blues/creams...your house to me is a welcome breath of fresh air. Its very English country/classic.....its the way I used to decorate my home...until about 2 years ago and then decided to have a small change.....I still love this comfortable but smart look....hmmmmm! maybe I might start adding things back again. Anyway being in the U.K....viewing your house etc made me feel very much at home.....absolutely stunning.

Kathleen Ellis said...

OH! You poor thing...I can soooo relate! Too bad there isn't some type of "mattress match test" before we make the committment, huh? lol! My Prince and I have different preferences as well and even after 33 years it's still an issue! I have to agree...a mattress pad (or a return of the mattress) should help....along with some Tylenol PM ;)

Melissa Miller said...

Hello Laurie, I kid you not we are going through it too. My husband hates our "newish" mattress. (about 2 years old)
Same thing...extra pillowey goodness full of valleys that you can't rotate. Hmmm. Don't know if I like that solution though. ARG! ~Melissa

Anonymous said...

Laurie, I went through the same thing! I can't blame it on Hubs, though! I picked it out, my back was hurting so I thought a firm mattress was what I needed. The salseman told me I couldn't take it back, (he must have known me). LOL The first night, I thought, I'll never sleep again! The next day I went to Wal-Mart and bought one of those egg crates, and it was perfect for me. Hubby doesn't like it as much as I do, but he doesn't say much. It only cost me $10. It's cheap to see if it will work, and Wal-Mart will take it back. Good Luck! BTW, You had me laughing my head off! Connie/Puddin07

southerninspiration said...

Ok, I laughed, too, because I could have told the exact story about ours...except that there was one other replacement BEFORE we got to the plywood table mattress. I'm glad to know someone else can sympathize with. We have the same husband, I am sure of it! ;)
Hope ours softens up, too!
Suzanne

twizzis said...

I'm laughing so heartily that I'm crying! I cannot but help reflect on my own husband that swears himself to have good (decorating) taste. What more can I say???

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Anonymous said...

Great writing! Maybe you could do a follow up to this topic :)

-Warmest Regards,
Alba