Who wants to buy a husband? - Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!

My Grandmother (Granny) used to sing that to us when we were little, except she would insert "piggy" where I put "husband"...

Let me start at the begining....

We bought a new mattress two years ago. One of those plush, soft pillow top numbers....If any of you have bought a mattress in the past couple of years you know that you can't flip them & rotate them like you used to, to even them out. So our lovely new mattress ended up with mountains and valleys after only a few months . It didn't really bother me all that much, that mattress was meant for you to sink into and I felt it was doing it's job nicely! Well, my husband complained daily about his back - nag, nag, nag, complain, complain, complain!

Now supposedly our mattress came with a 10 year warranty. HA! Good luck trying to get them to own up to that part of the deal. You have to call an 800# and get out your ruler and measure your dips. They won't even talk to you if it isn't at least an inch. Doesn't sound so hard right..?

Try waiting on hold for 30 minutes while no one answers your call. So we hung up and life went on....

Finally after two years of hearing my husband's morning ritual of "oh, my aching back". We again call the 800# and after a long wait on hold, had to get down right angry with their agent, requesting their supervisor, etc. Then we get an appointment for a Mattress Inspector!

The Mattress Inspector came out to see our stripped down bed, while he pushed on it, peeked under it (one of my secret hiding places!) and asked us a few questions, he then pulled out two weighted cones with measurements on them which he placed in the valleys. He then pulled out a string with a weight at either end and draped it across the bed to see the mountains & valleys and get their measurements and takes a few pictures. He makes a report and turns it into the mattress company and they determine if we have a case. (Very nice man, I have to say. Anyone who removes their shoes before entering my home out of consideration for me is A-Ok in my book! But it was a little weird watching a strange man jump up and down on our bed!)

Yippee! We get the call a week later! Go on down to the store for a replacement mattress! My husband goes down to the store the next day - claiming he ain't sleeping on that mattress any longer than he has too, while I stay at home sick....do you see where this is going? I never should have told him about that phone call, I should have waited until I felt better to go jump around on a few mattress with him, but I seriously thought we would just get a replacement of the EXACT SAME KIND. Remember the kind it was? the soft, cushy pillow top number. DISCONTINUED! that gives my husband FREE REIN to pick out our new mattress. He comes home that Saturday THRILLED! - saying our mattress will be delivered on Monday.

Monday comes around, two guys pull up to the house, heft this HUGE mattress up the stairs (which I had to remove pictures, rugs while they struggled going up the stairs - I stood guard over my precious lamps in the foyer - willing to throw my body over them in case the mattress came flying over the railing!) They place the new mattress on the box spring and I go over to check it out. I carefully try to sit my tush on the edge of the bed. I couldn't reach it! hmmm.....okay, I turn around and have to heft myself up on this TABLE and nearly bounce right off of it, that's how HARD it is!

I immediately start in on my husband! What were you thinking?! He & the two delivery men (who probably just took pity on him) claim it would soften up after a couple of weeks.

Last night was our first night on the "piece of plywood". First off, this baby doesn't even move when you go to get up on it, it's so darn high you need a step stool (can't do the flying leap, you just go bouncing right off of it after feeling like you hit a brick wall) then once up there, you feel like you are laying on a hospital table. I could not fall asleep until well after midnight! About every hour, I would wake up in pain because my arms and legs would be numb, couldn't roll over on my tummy because the girls had no "valleys" in the mattress and were being squished! In fact, the bedroom floor would have been more cushiony because at least it has PADDING! I woke up this morning in such a foul mood, waking up the whole household, stomping down the stairs, slamming the kitchen doors & drawers!. My back hunched over, my hips numb, my eyeballs gritty...and down walks the husband....smiling...and ....SINGING!!!!!!!!

When did things change? when did I lose my control? I was ALWAYS the one who chose this or that for the house...WHAT WENT WRONG!?!

But now I am singing my own song..."Who wants to buy a husband? Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!"